Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. She feels controlled and trapped. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. And then, it happened. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. Photo by Getty Images Plus. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. Slate Advice Columns Dear Prudence Care and Feeding How To Do It This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast comments sorted by Best Top New Controversial Q&A [deleted] Additional comment actions [removed] Reply Allianoraa Additional comment actions But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Your baby is HUGE! Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others! But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Each day they do a different task with their word list. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. No, Im sorry. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Have a question for Care and Feeding? If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? They are adults. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. I am currently 23. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. Uh, No Thanks. I can say this honestly and without bias. All rights reserved. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Photo by Getty Images Plus. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. Shes so lucky youre her daughter! As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. And thats not easy. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? I just accepted a new job, an exciting career opportunity for me, about a 2-hour drive away from our home in a big city. What is a gravel bike? Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. We have tried to tell her to call one of us in to discipline him, but she does not do so consistently. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Thank you in advance. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences, and Ill sometimes hear them sort of impatiently sigh. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. interface language. All rights reserved. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . Do you have any tips for how to help him through this? I suppose I dont even know what my question is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. My home situation is a little unconventional because I allowed my 35-year-old daughter and then 2-year-old granddaughter come live with me. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. From Our Callers. I see you, and others will, too. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. Maybe theyll decide to try couples counseling. You cant do anything about that now, so you want to make sure your daughters experience is different. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? 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